I answered ventriloquism’s most frequently asked questions over on the VentriloquistSociety.com blog.

I thought it only fair that I answer the five questions no one asks a ventriloquist.

1. How will you spend all the money you are making?

I’ll put a quarter in the parking meter and use the other $1.00 to buy a bottle of generic-brand water.

 

2. Do you ever get tired of all the women who throw themselves at you?

No.

 

3. How do you deal with the fame?

I wish I had some.

 

4. How do you decide which shows to take?

Well, if I am offered one I take it unless it is free. Then I donate my services.

 

5. Were you ever audited by the I.R.S.?

I’d need an income for that to happen.

 

Now let’s look at the things no one says to a ventriloquist.

1. You look really sexy with that puppet.

2. Ventriloquism is so sophisticated.

3. I’m assuming you do this full-time?

4. Your parents must be so proud of you.

5. How many million do you earn a year?*

(* – Unless you are Dunham, Fator or Darci – then people are just that rude.)

Finally, things people may think but not say to a ventriloquist.

1. Your medication doesn’t seem to be working.

2. If you shove that puppet in my face again I’m using my taser.

3. How can you afford puppets while living on welfare?

4. I heard that joke on the last Jeff Dunham special and the rest of your act seems to be off of jokes.com

5. Have you ever thought about actually learning ventriloquism?

 

Naturally this post is tongue in cheek … or is it?

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