Horror Stories
As always, you can listen here on the blog, or download the MP3 to play when you have the time.
Audio Transcript:
Welcome to Maher Ventriloquist Radio. It’s time to have fun, laugh, and learn with Tom and Mark.
Hey everybody, Tom Crowl here. I want to welcome you to our second episode. Glad that you’re here and glad that you tuned in. We really appreciate it. Mark, Ken, and I are always having fun, and I think we’ve got a pretty fun episode today because we’re going to be talking about horror stories—or as Ken used to call them, gigs.
Every performer has a horror story. If you’ve done this for any length of time, you’ve had a bad show. For pros, we do a lot more shows, which means more chances for things to go wrong. They can be devastating if you only do a couple of shows, but pros learn to move on quickly because there’s always another show. We learn from them, we grow, and you can too.
So let’s not waste any more time. Let me bring in my cohorts, Mark and Ken.
Mark: Welcome, everybody. We’re here today talking about horror stories. We all have that one show you want to forget, but it keeps creeping back. It’s kind of like the football team that won nine games and lost one. Everyone asks, “Who beat you?” And you can’t stop thinking about it.
I’ll start out. I had a show for a company. The husband and wife who owned the company came in, and they left immediately. The vice president was there to introduce me, and he was already drinking. I asked, “Do you have an introduction? You can just read this.”
He said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered.” Then he added, “I just have a couple of remarks to make before you come on.”
So he goes up there, it’s December 22nd, right before Christmas. Everyone’s expecting bonus checks and a nice meal. Instead, he announces, “This year has been a real bummer. We had to shut down two divisions. Nothing’s working out right. So… no bonuses tonight. And now for the entertainment!”
You could just read it on their faces: No bonus. No bonus. Then he says, “Here’s a ventriloquist. Mark Ventriloquist!”
That was my round of applause. One poor guy in the back clapped, and that was it. I thought, I better get on and off before they realize—no bonus, but they paid this guy. Maybe that’s where our bonuses went.
I did the show, got through it, picked up my stuff, and got out of there fast. Later I asked, “Couldn’t you have waited to tell them after the show?” He said, “Well, you’ve got to tell them sometime.” That was my horror story.
Ken: Mine’s a lot like that. The guy told me it had to be a clean, family show. Then he gets up there and every other word out of his mouth is swearing. Everyone’s sitting there in shock.
Then he says, “As of tomorrow morning, you’re all laid off. And here’s the entertainment.”
So half the crowd just got a layoff notice, and then I’m supposed to make them laugh. It was awful.
If I ever get an introduction like that again, I’m just not going on. It’s not worth it.
Tom: Yeah, because no matter what you do, it won’t matter. They’re sitting there thinking, I just lost my job. I spent money like I still had one. What am I going to do?
That’s why I started using pre-recorded introductions. It eliminates the drunk VP or the clueless principal from sabotaging the show before it even begins.
Ken: I’ve never used a recorded introduction that way. I tried, but sometimes you want to personalize it. That’s the only downside. But honestly, it works better than handing someone a card they can’t even read properly.
Tom: That’s true. Most people can’t read your handwriting, Ken.
Ken: (laughs) Fair enough.
Tom: I’ve got two horror stories I could share. The biggest one: I flew into Albuquerque for an oil industry event. They said, “We’ll do awards first, then you.” I told them, “No, put me on before the awards. Trust me.”
They didn’t listen. The awards guy was great—funny, upbeat, had everyone laughing. Then he says, “We’re going to take a ten-minute break before the entertainment.”
Five hundred people walked out to the casino. By the time I went on, there were fifty left, scattered and talking among themselves. The guy introduced me with, “Hey, can I get your attention? Okay, here’s the act.”
I died up there. Completely. Called the agent the next morning, explained what happened. Two days later, the client’s review came in: “Best act we’ve ever had.” Turns out the planner who hired me left before the show even started. So they just wanted to smooth things over.
Mark: That’s a good lesson, though. Don’t dwell on the bad ones. Focus on the good shows, because there are so many more of those.
Tom: Exactly.
I had another at a fair. They scheduled me at 12:30, just as the fair opened. Two people showed up. Instead of doing a full show, I just started chatting with them. As we talked, more people wandered over. Before long, we had a decent audience.
That’s the key—play to the audience in front of you. Too many performers run through their show like a VHS tape. They don’t adapt.
Ken: Right. You’ve got to be flexible. Sometimes I’ll even leave the stage and just talk to people directly. That makes them comfortable. That’s what entertainment is about.
Tom: Have you guys heard about planned ad-libs? Comedians like Robin Williams used to keep a mental library of jokes that seem off the cuff but were actually pre-written. They’re lifesavers when things go awkward.
Mark: Exactly. An ad-lib isn’t improv. It’s tried-and-true material you pull out at the right time.
Ken: Right. People think it’s spontaneous, but really, it’s material that’s floating in your head. The trick is grabbing the right one for the moment.
Tom: Well, we started with horror stories and ended with ad-libs. That’s all the time we’ve got for today.
If you’re interested in upping the funny in your show, head over to maherstudios.com. Check out our catalog – Comedy Conversations, Mark’s comedy writing audiobook, and our scripts and courses.
That’s what this is all about: making the audience feel good.
Next time, we’ll be talking about some of our coolest gigs ever. Thanks for tuning in!
You’ve been listening to Maher Ventriloquist Radio, sponsored and produced by Maher Studios.
Want to share your own horror story? Leave a note in the comments section below!
I found the radio show very informative.you would never believe that the bad introductions talked about could ever happen if you werent told about these experiences.the workforce being told they are laid off or no bonus this year and then introducing the vent act? How insensitive and ignorant and generally unfeeling. It warns us never to rely upon others judgement when organising our show.keep the act self contained …simple and be involved at every stage of its organisation. The advice on ad libbing was excellent. It personalises the show for the audience and makes it personal and relevant to them. So more entertaining since it gains their focus of attention and holds it. Remember…both humour and fascination are the keys to rapport and holding the audience attention. The radio show is valuable because it spreads experience without the suffering that usually goes to pay for the lesson learnt.