Predictions For The Future Of Ventriloquism

I have gazed into my crystal ball to see the future.

Okay, it really isn’t a crystal ball.

It is a glass doorknob.

And it really isn’t mine.

I did this in a Home Depot.

And I may have been drinking at the time.

But these are my predictions for:


I predict by September 7th, 2020, China will launch a toy that makes ventriloquism obsolete.

A small, obscure headset will fit on the user. They can transmit their thoughts waves to a computerized stuffed animal.

The thought waves will be turned into word and movement making the stuffed animal seem alive.

As a result, ventriloquists everywhere will be out of work.

I predict on September 8th, 2020, the computerized toy stuffed animal from China will need a software update.

A hack from bored Russian operatives who have already rigged the 2020 U.S. elections, will cause a shutdown of the toy.

Microsoft experts will be perplexed by this development.

As a result, ventriloquists everywhere will rejoice and have more shows than they can handle.

I predict that in the year 3015, Mark Wade will officially step down as executive director of the Vent Haven International Ventriloquist ConVENTion.

He will decide to spend more time with his wife Jody and cite that as the reason.

In truth, it will be.

I predict that no one will remember who I am. That includes my family and myself. I don’t have a date on that, but I bet it happens before this article is even published.

I predict that Jeff Dunham, Terry Fator, Darci Lynn and Paul Zerdin will donate DNA samples to science.

Scientists will study the samples and later combine them to create a super ventriloquist. His name will be Wilbur.

I predict doctors will also learn how to revive the dead. (Which will also explain how Mark Wade is still around in 3015.)

They will bring back vaudeville as their first patient.

Unfortunately vaudeville will crumble when the doctors discover it doesn’t have medical insurance.

Two ventriloquists experienced in raising money will start a GoFundMe for vaudeville, but it won’t help. Any funds raised will then be donated to help support a worthy figure maker.

I predict that Edgar Bergen’s Charlie McCarthy, located at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington DC, will be free.

Charlie will team with Jerry Mahoney & Knucklehead (also housed there) to hire a high-powered lawyer. When the lawsuit is dismissed, Charlie will scarifice Jerry & Knuck in a “PrisonBreak” attempt to flee.

He will be successful and on the run for two years before police arrest him for peeing on the grave of W.C. Fields.

I predict the next ventriloquist to win America’s Got Talent is someone who no one in the community currently knows.

After the win, I predict every ventriloquist will claim to have coached them.

I also predict that I had no blog post for this week…

Share Your Predictions In The Comments Below …